Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Sword by Jean Johnson

I came across a review for this book somewhere...I think it was at Kristie J's. The book was well-reviewed and I picked it up the other day. *sigh* I wish I hadn't. It was one of the most unintentionally funny books I've ever read & I still can't believe I read the whole thing.

Here's the Back Blurb-Eight brothers, born in four sets of twins, two years apart to the day---they fulfill the Curse of Eight Prophesy.

To avoid tempting Destiny, they're exiled to Nightfall Isle, where females are forbidden. But when the youngest of the mage-brothers rescues a woman from another universe, their world is altered forever.

Kelly Doyle wasn't just having a bad day, she was having a bad decade. Threatened, attacked, and accused of witchcraft, Kelly is fed up with her narrow-minded small-town neighbors. And now she's landd in another dimension---the only woman in a magical realm inhabited by eight men who are desperately in need of a woman's touch.

With Kelly in their midst, Saber, the eldest of the eight, is forced to confront the Curse that plagues them---if he falls in love, disaster is imminent. But in the aftermath of an attack, and despite the threatening Prophecy, Saber and Kelly's passion only grows stronger. If only the Fates didn't take such things so seriously...

I don't know where to begin. Let's start with...everything? It was like a bad dream that just wouldn't end. I started laughing so hard at work yesterday that I began to choke. Trust me, this wasn't what the author intended.

First of all, let me talk about the improbabilities of the story. The story starts out when Morganen, the youngest brother of the 8, brings a woman into this crazy castle-type place he and his siblings are living in. She's burnt and messed up and he tells one of his brothers to heal her. So, they're trying to get her healed & shield her from the gaze of Saber who comes storming into the room when he realizes there's been a disturbance. *sigh*

To make it all more confusing, supposedly Kelly is from modern times, but her house is burned down while she's inside it because she is friends with medieval recreationists who are also Wiccan. And because they're Wiccan, her life as she knows it is changed forever. This is what I mean when I say the entire story is just...awful!!!!!

It just goes on from there. Kelly awakens from her injuries to find herself surrounded by big, beautiful hunky men. Oh, baby. However, she immediately falls for the big brute that carries her around like a sack of potatoes.

I think the thing that gets me more than anything is the complete & total improbability of the whole thing. She can't speak the language? No problem. There's a potion for that. The castle is too dirty? No problem. She'll become a crazy shrew & basically turn all of the men into her slaves.

It's just ridiculous! And the prose? Don't get me started. After Saber and Kelly have been attacked by some bizarre creature, they're forced (conveniently enough) to sit naked in a large tub of water until the venom leeches out of their system. Oh and to make it even better, when the venom starts to leech out, it causes awful purple diarrhea (no, I am not making this up). To read it in detail was excruciating. Here's a sample...just one paragraph, but you'll see what I mean.

(this is after they've been bitten by watersnakes & are soaking in the big tub. Kelly is asking him why they can't just have sex & she's a virgin...oy). He tugged lightly on her thigh. Coaxing her back down into the water, he locked his gray eyes with her aquamarine. The eye contact was bold; the cheeks, however, were decidedly pink. "I simply cannot spare the...the liquid."

I mean, ew! And then he talks about sheathing himself in her. Ugh!

And the romance? Yeah, what romance? He decides five minutes into the story that he loves her. And demands that she's going to marry him. Argh! *headdesk*

The language of the book was like going back to the awful purple-prose heavy novels of the 80's. It was NOT a pleasant read & I will NOT being reading the rest of these books. I should've just kept on going down the aisle and spent my money on something worthwhile. *sigh*

And the names of the males? Saber? Wolfer? No originality or if it is should be rethought...just bad!

My Rating: D- for complete & total improbability mixed with asinine characters & awful prose. It's an almost F, but I finished it. It was a close book tosser, but I just had to finish it for the sheer ridiculousness of it all. I do not recommend these books at all. And if I sound harsh, I apologize. I'm a bit traumatized at the moment.


Tracy said...

Should I even say that I like this series? Improbable yes, but hey, it's magic! I guess that's one less series you'll hvae to look for! lol

Kristie (J) said...

You didn't like this one? Now I feel bad :-( cause I'm sure it was me that recommended it. All I can say on my behalf is it really worked for me - as have the next two. I'm on the fourth one yet and while it doesn't have the same charm as the first three did - I'm still enjoying it.
Ah well - I guess that's what makes us all different isn't it?
We still have Derek and Richard in common